Normally I try not to write posts in the moment because it can go down hill very easily. Today, however, I was convicted about something and I wanted to write while the emotion is raw so I can convey how I'm feeling the best.
Today at church our pastor was preaching on Luke 2. Now for most people when I say Luke 2 you wold think why is he preaching on the Christmas story in November? And at first I thought the same thing. We are in the Bakker's shepherding group, and when I first heard that we were going to hear each message twice I thought that I would be tempted to zone out on Sunday morning. However, the opposite is turning out to be true! I find that on Sunday I'm able to go so much more in depth and learn that much more, and have found it so encouraging. And today was no exception. I literally left the service crying. Now, you're probably thinking "Wait! What? Crying? I thought you just said it was encouraging?" Well, I should clarify, after I stopped crying and thought a little bit it was encouraging.
This past week has been really tough for me. I have been tired. And I don't just mean physically tired. While that's true, I'm just tired. I'm done. Sometimes when you're dealing with something every day it can start to wear on you. And for, I'd say, the last 6 months, I've been able to be in good spirits and feel like I have been able to be an encouragement to others. But this past week I have been feeling like it has been weighing on me a lot more and looking back I realize that I was trying to do it all on my own strength.
Today when we to church I was physically uncomfortable in my stomach and could feel myself starting to focus on all the bad things in my life. I tried to just "act happy" and say hi to everybody like nothing was wrong, but it didn't work today. Maybe part of it is because I've had a cold for three weeks that just won't go away and it's draining, but I think it's more than that.
The last half of Jordan's sermon was spent talking about joy. He talked about how as Christians we are not to strive to be happy, but to strive to have joy. And that can only come through God. He talked about how even when everything is hitting the fan we can still experience joy through God. And that's when the Holy Spirit started working on me. I realized that even though I have been able to check everything off my list that I wasn't growing in my relationship with God this week. I was focusing on all the things that are going wrong with me instead of how God can get me through them.
After the sermon we were told to keep with the theme of the sermon that we were going to sing Joy to the World. Before the song started I prayed that God would help me to be able to sing the song with honesty and sincerity. That I would be able to truly feel the way the angel did when he was telling the shepherds about the joy that was coming to the Israelites. And then I had a realization. God was telling me that I'm always capable of feeling that same joy! Because, as a Christian it's built in. That even when I feel like I can't do it anymore, or everything is just piling on top of each other, that I can still feel joy because of the God who loves me enough to send His Son to this earth to save everyone from eternal separation from Him. How can you not be joyful at the thought of that?! That even though our time on earth may have some dark times in store for us, we get to spend eternity in the presence of light that emanates from God. What a joyous thing to think about!
So, to Jordan Bakker I say "Thank You. Thank you for following the Lord's leading in your sermon planning. Thank you for allowing Him to work through you to affect others' lives." It's not fun going through the pruning, and sometimes it causes pain on all levels. But if it causes me to grow closer to and more like God through it then I will be joyful through it.
